September 1, 2008
Life is not easy. Most of the time it’s not even fun. I realized today that I have grown up a lot. Growing up is not what I thought it would be. When I was younger I always thought things would be so sequential. First, I would go to college, meet the man of my dreams, we would get married, graduate college, have kids, and grow old. Wisdom would just follow and decisions were never too tough. Now that I am there, in that crossroad in my life were things could be changing, I realize that I am in college, I lost the love of my life, marriage is a ways away, graduation not so far away, and children are definitely not an option for the next six years. Also, wisdom is not something that comes…it is acquired. I am constantly making decisions in my life, and it’s not that one is more right than another but more that the choice I make influences the future choices I make. True wisdom is knowing what to do because you have made that choice before. So in a way making mistakes are a good thing. I miss Sean. And it’s not the kind of miss where I miss talking to him and seeing him, because I just saw him this past weekend. It is the kind of miss where I wish I didn’t have college and a career ahead of me. I want to run away so bad right now. I want to be on top of a mountain in Colorado in a sleeping bag watching all the stars in the sky. Or I want to be in the middle of a field with the sound of locusts buzzing around me. I just want to be anywhere but here. Here is a place that the past follows me everywhere constantly telling me that I messed up. I never should have broken up with Sean and let my father influence me like that. I know God’s plan for me is bigger but it is taking all of me to let Him lead in my life. It hurts. I have never had this kind of pain. I know that I need to be there for Sean as a friend right now and the option of being together is nearly obsolete. I feel like I caused his hurt and depression and confusion though and that is what’s bothering me. I feel like I should be the one to make it all better. It’s not about me though. How can I be so vain?
There are these moments in the days, I call them bricks, when everything hits me. I will be laughing one moment and then I remember. I remember how I felt when I stood in front of you at Outdoor Rec and told you that I guess it’s over. I remember how I could barely stand up when we hugged good bye and you kissed me on the forehead. The months I spent defending you when anyone would try to say that I shouldn’t be with you. They didn’t understand the love we had/have for each other. I don’t know what else to do with the bricks but make a wall. I have been building them up one by one. Slowly, I build this wall between us because I think that’s what you want. You want me or you to forget the times we had together. The times we laughed so hard at one another that we about peed our pants. The numerous times we danced in the middle of places. The kisses that made my heart drop…this last weekend, the first kiss we had was one of them. The good bye hugs over the past six months. We’ve been through a lot. I just hope that one day when you look back you don’t just see a brick wall.
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