I choose Life

I'm stalling. The studying sits in front of me and I don't want to do it. I just want to go in the testing room and see how much I really remember...not worth it though. I've decided that I am getting out of here. Peace Corps to be exact. I need to run away, not that it is going to solve anything, but I need to do it to save my life. My fear is getting out of the Peace Corps and not wanting to go to vet school anymore. Then what am I going to do? So I had a really good time making puppy chow the other night with a good friend. He made it quite the entertaining time. He's become a 'potential'. This is scary as hell for me because I didn't think this would happen again. What do I do though...I could be out of this country in a year and a half. He could be too though. UGhf...save me please. I am tired, I need a massage. On a happier note: I am almost done with a journal. I read it through the other night and realized how much shit i've been through in one year's time. Garrett and I went to Bagels and Joe after Church yesterday. We talked about how we are all in this together to help each other. He said something that really hit me. He said "i've realized that people come in and out of your life for a purpose, and once they're out of your life, you can't try to hold on to them."

January 2nd- I've realized that this needs to be my motto. Not necessarily keeping people at a distance, but...I don't know. I just need to let go.
So the 'potential' became a...well I don't quite know. We are trying though. New Year's was a blast. It was definitely the funnest party I have been to in a long time. Had a midnight kiss, and partied with Kelso after a long time coming. Life is pretty good right now. I leave for Vegas in 2 days! and turn 21! Eventhough my life is good, there is still my stupid heart. It's telling me things and I don't know what to do. Adam says you should trust your gut always. I don't know what my heart is telling me. I think it's saying that I should run back to Sean though... That wouldn't work though. He's with Jennica and do you know what a fiasco that would be? If we were even to try to get back together there would be jealousy, fights, mistrust...it just wouldn't be us anymore. It takes two to make a relationship work. That said, I am scared as fuck.

In a way, it's ok. Adam's scared too. We work together to make things work. There is freedom, which is nice. There are so many things about this relationship that make me nervous though. 1. Religion. He just started to believe in God this last year.
2. Futures. It's not that I have plans...well I do, but so does he, and they are in different directions.
3. Giddyness. There is a slight giddyness, but it's not the level that I usually expect in a relationship. I don't know if this is because we were friends first, or it's because I am not attracted to him as much. I know I am attracted to him though.
4. Interests. We have a lot in common, but a lot is different though. Luckily they are not huge things, but you know what they say. The little things eventually turn into bigger things.

Am I just being dumb? paranoid? maybe even schizo? Quit. I Quit. I choose life



I'm holding on, but I need to quit. It hurts. This is why I need to get out and experience different things. If I stay the same for a long period of time it doesn't make me stable, it makes me restless. He understands that...

Life is full of surprises. Normally I like surprises, but for a while I want things back to the way they were...minus the ocd and some other things. School is over in 2 weeks which is pretty exciting. I turn 21 in one month from today and I will be in VEGAS!!! One full week of climbing outdoors. Sigh. Just need to get through this next month.

He's moving back, but it's for her. I don't know exactly how I feel about this, except that I think it's risky. Moving with a girl that you've been dating long distance for a month or so? I don't want him to get hurt again. God, I miss him. Especially this time of year. I hate winter and snow and Christmas festivities...he made it better cuz at least I had someone to help me through it.

Well, I should go to lab and then work, and then a long night of studying for a test and quiz and a paper I have to write by tomorrow.