Coded

If you could see.
My eyes are sore.
I cannot tell you how much.

What you mean.
I try my best to forgive.
It hurts to not have.

To me and the person.
It keeps hurting and you run.
You here.

You once were.
It's fear and regret.
It will pass.

A dance, a laugh, a cry.
I'm a person you don't.
Solved not with me.

The promises of better.
Think you can trust.
But your own ways would help.

Times are hard to see.
It hurts to see the mess I confront.
I miss the man.

With the blur of alcohol.
When we both cannot just rest.
Who loved me back.

Dance with me...

A Journal Entry: If you read it...

September 1, 2008
Life is not easy. Most of the time it’s not even fun. I realized today that I have grown up a lot. Growing up is not what I thought it would be. When I was younger I always thought things would be so sequential. First, I would go to college, meet the man of my dreams, we would get married, graduate college, have kids, and grow old. Wisdom would just follow and decisions were never too tough. Now that I am there, in that crossroad in my life were things could be changing, I realize that I am in college, I lost the love of my life, marriage is a ways away, graduation not so far away, and children are definitely not an option for the next six years. Also, wisdom is not something that comes…it is acquired. I am constantly making decisions in my life, and it’s not that one is more right than another but more that the choice I make influences the future choices I make. True wisdom is knowing what to do because you have made that choice before. So in a way making mistakes are a good thing. I miss Sean. And it’s not the kind of miss where I miss talking to him and seeing him, because I just saw him this past weekend. It is the kind of miss where I wish I didn’t have college and a career ahead of me. I want to run away so bad right now. I want to be on top of a mountain in Colorado in a sleeping bag watching all the stars in the sky. Or I want to be in the middle of a field with the sound of locusts buzzing around me. I just want to be anywhere but here. Here is a place that the past follows me everywhere constantly telling me that I messed up. I never should have broken up with Sean and let my father influence me like that. I know God’s plan for me is bigger but it is taking all of me to let Him lead in my life. It hurts. I have never had this kind of pain. I know that I need to be there for Sean as a friend right now and the option of being together is nearly obsolete. I feel like I caused his hurt and depression and confusion though and that is what’s bothering me. I feel like I should be the one to make it all better. It’s not about me though. How can I be so vain?
There are these moments in the days, I call them bricks, when everything hits me. I will be laughing one moment and then I remember. I remember how I felt when I stood in front of you at Outdoor Rec and told you that I guess it’s over. I remember how I could barely stand up when we hugged good bye and you kissed me on the forehead. The months I spent defending you when anyone would try to say that I shouldn’t be with you. They didn’t understand the love we had/have for each other. I don’t know what else to do with the bricks but make a wall. I have been building them up one by one. Slowly, I build this wall between us because I think that’s what you want. You want me or you to forget the times we had together. The times we laughed so hard at one another that we about peed our pants. The numerous times we danced in the middle of places. The kisses that made my heart drop…this last weekend, the first kiss we had was one of them. The good bye hugs over the past six months. We’ve been through a lot. I just hope that one day when you look back you don’t just see a brick wall.

The Bridge

Standing on a bridge looking both ways and wondering which to take. The way you came is only a short jog to safe land, known territory, and familiar people. The other way is too far off to know whether it's worth the long run, and storm clouds are rolling in. But there is a third option...the free fall over the edge. If you have a fascination for falling, it seems the best option. Plummeting into cool waters below. But do you know the true depth of the river below? Is it full of rocks that could kill you or is it so deep it that the current would sweep you away to another state? So what do you do...Jump? Run? or Jog? Jumping is easy. You can jump anyday of your life. Running takes perseverance, conditioning...people will think you are crazy. Especially when you are a sprinter--a person who doesn't deal with the chaos and threatening well. The thing about a sprinter though, is that the rain doesn't bother them, but the hurdles slow them down. make them run for distance and it takes them a little longer than most. And jogging....it's a complete bore to a sprinter. They long to get out ahead of everyone else, to have to open lane ahead of them, to be alone, or at least feel like it. So again what do you choose? Another option is to balance on the edge of the bridge and wait for the next person passing to push you over the edge--technically you didn't jump right? It'll take longer to get to the other side that way. Choose! quick! The storm clouds are rolling in... I choose to run. It's the scenery that gets me. The fellow runners I see coming back the other way, the new hills that emerge half way there, the sunset to my left that reminds mind of a moon soon to rise, and finally a million stars that make me feel incredibly small in this world...on this bridge...with Him by my side and the fresh cool air in my lungs. It's going to be worth the run because afterall I am a sprinter...I live for the few moments that I get to be in my own lane without the confusion, judging, and stress.

You can't have your cake and eat it too...

Bullshit!! That was my response to this saying when I was in high school. And I still have that attitude about things, but it's modified. My career and school and relationships are really weighing me down right now. I want to be a vet which takes a lot of dedication. At the same time I want to be one of the best female climbers, or at least be able to climb once I have a decent job. And most of all I want to have a family that understands. My career is kinda scaring me though. I know I can do it and I know that it is what I love to do...but I don't want to be the mom who ships her kids off to daycare for 9 hours a day and is too tired to spend time with them when I get home. Plus, it's hard to find a guy that can handle my kind of determination (aka..stubbornness??) and understand why I do it. I do a lot of things for other people...correction, did. Being a vet is something I am doing for myself. My religion and relationship with God and his Son is another thing I am doing. I guess what's been making me think about this so much is that I have to take Gin to play in a backyard for 9-10 hours a day 3 days a week because I don't have enough time to let her out. I don't want to do that to my children. And maybe I won't. I guess my hours will be what I make them. So me having my cake and eating it too is kinda my goal, but I am not nearly as assured as I used to be. On a different note...I need strength and prayers because I have to stand for my beliefs again this Sunday when I tell my mom that I am not going to take Communion at church. Sometimes I just want to cut the rope...