Writing the happy post to stretch my mind

I went to the doctor today and found out my tibia is healed! Yeah! No more crutches...still a bit of hobbling though. My tendons and ligaments aren't completely healed.

I had a really good time on my vacation. Washington was a blast, and I can't thank God enough for Adam and helping me. We had so much fun with our picnic, the winery, mexican food, and Thai food.

On a bad note...Molly died this last week. I am going to miss her. Belle had died about a month before her, and I think it took a large toll on her body and she realized just how old she was once Belle was gone. She stayed alive for her daughter though. I read The Art of Racing in the Rain and bawled my eyes out at the end. It just makes me realize how much Gin helped me through the hardest time of my life, and she doesn't even know it. We both found each other and needed each other. But this is supposed to be a happy post.

I am only applying to 3 schools now-> University of Missouri, Colorado State University, and Washington State University. It is very exciting knowing that I will be moving in less than a year. Caitlin, Ryann and I are going to move into a place in Fort Collins, CO regardless of where I get into vet school. This is my gift for graduation.

It's been thunderstorming here lately, and I love it. Adam has a surprise for me when he comes home on Sunday, so I am anxious for that!

The weirdest thing happened today. I had an odd texting conversation and I didn't know quite how to take it. It was almost as if someone else was texting on the other end. Crazy.

I want to take this time to give a prayer of thanks for where I am in my life right now. Although it seems tough, it is a long way from where I was a year ago. Dad, I pray for a fast recovery. And also watch over Dusty's family. It is such a tragedy that they put all that money into chemo and treatment for him to pass away. Watch over Gracie and send an angel to be with her. Protect Kels in her fragile state. Watch over my father as he struggles with the loss of the dogs. instill in Grant and Morgan's hearts your grace and love, and help me show them the way in their faith eventhough I'm not Catholic anymore. Thank you for the acceptance of my family in that area too...I know it has been a struggle to say the least. I also want to throw an extra prayer out for all the decision-makers in our nation. They need all the help they can get in deciding how to fix our current economy. But over all Dad...thanks for your grace and all the friends, family, foes, and people I will meet in my life who have created who I am now and will be. With them, I praise you and can't wait for the day that our Family will be reunited. I miss all of You-Mary, Jesus, and God.

This should be better than dessert

Are you happy? I think I pretend to be happy. I should be happy... I have good friends, a decent family, a great job. But somethings missing. Mom and Dad were in town yesterday. Since I'm on crutches, Mom went to the store with me to get ink for the printer. As we are walking out, she says, "You really like that necklace? You wear it a lot." To which I responded, "Ya, I do." I really wanted to say...

I wear this necklace for comfort. Because it reminds me of a time I was really happy. It gives me confidence when I am doing something I am nervous to do...like date. It's my escape plan. When I feel awkward or tense, I reach to it and remember a time when I loved a man and he loved me back and it didn't take any effort. A time when my heart never ached at night from waking up after having a dream about that man because I could roll over or just open my eyes and he was there. It reminds me of love.

I don't know what to do now. My heart was created by God and He lives inside it, and my heart is telling me that he will come back. Do I listen to it though? My mind tells me not to. Will things work with me and Adam? I think there are doubts within me on the whole religion subject, but I haven't been attracted to another man like this since Sean.

I need help God. One more week and I am in Washington! Let me know out there if you can.

rd

Do you think happiness is in a bottle somewhere?
And our dreams give us clues of where to find it, the only problem was in the beginning cuz in the beginning we were innocent and knew nothing of this bottle. We lived without the search, and then someone mentioned it, a faint whisper like the first mention of the word sex to a hormone-driven teen, we were hooked. We wanted this container of ecstasy, keeper of euphoria. 'But where is it?' we begged, scraping our knees on the pavement from so much groveling. 'Keep searching, keep searching' they said. So we crouch in twisted positions, looking under, over, around, and through until at last we find it! The bottle of happiness that has had our hearts melting. Slowly opening the cap not to let any of it escape without consumption, our hearts race and palms sweat. A life's journey spent to be elated is in this hourglass sculpture of glass. The contents inside begins to escape. Faster. Vapors. Breathing fast to take it in. A small fizzle and it's gone...what now... Does this happen to everyone, or is it just yours? Could you have done anything differently? Maybe the memories that you had before you knew of the bottle were escaping to fill your bottle, and your search time just wasn't long enough to fill it. Did you open the bottle wrong? You don't know, but all you know is that your bottle is empty...you can only hear of other people's happiness bottles, and each tale reminds you of the fizzle. It was everything they had dreamed of. Can you create a new bottle with more dreams? Keep Dreaming...one day you'll find it. That's what they say, right?

The Poet's dead society

These feelings blur the peace of mind that fits in the puzzle of my heart sits on the tip of my knows it all just blends and makes me have anxiety attacks these feelings. Ewes seem I trouble.

Passion
of Christ
The ache inside
kneeling in the rain
Christianity isn't what we thought.

A rant....once again

There are many things I am not sure of in life, which is weird for me because I usually know what I am doing at all times. In a way it is liberating though. Right now I am in between deciding to go to vet school or the Peace Corps. I have my application almost finished for the Peace Corps, so i think I am going to go that route. It's not going to hurt anything if I wait on vet school. It's only two years right? but so much happens in two years. I mean, look at me two years ago...

I think there is a very good reason your heart doesn't follow your brain. Not physiologically, but morally and spiritually. There is a reason I feel the way I do and can't get rid of this feeling. I know what I want it to mean, but I am sure that God does not have the same plan...we're never really on the same page with things. He always knows what's better though.

Sequential events blow my mind. I love how if one thing in my life changes, it effects everything else.

I started wearing the necklace again. It's just comforting knowing that it is close to my heart where it belongs. I pray everyday for you. The other night, this really strong feeling came over me. It was so strong I cried in my car. I literally almost had to pull off to the side of the road. I can still feel you...

Things with me and the potential lasted for about 5 months and then ended. No really hurt feelings though. It was very mutual. Kinda crazy. This was the first relationship I have been in where I wasn't the one who was completely interested, so when the breakup happened, I was...content. We are much better friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.

I bought Iron and Wine cds the other day. Heaven. Listened to Jay-Z at the 37th St. house while I bouldered. Peace. Ate Guadalajara in Cheyenne when I drove through. I couldn't stop thinking about my birthday there and wearing the big old sombrero! I don't know where the picture went.

I get my computer back today. It had a virus on it, and the weird part was that I wasn't even afraid of losing my computer as much as I was worried about losing pictures and letters...of us.

My heart hurts now, so i am going to go run

I choose Life

I'm stalling. The studying sits in front of me and I don't want to do it. I just want to go in the testing room and see how much I really remember...not worth it though. I've decided that I am getting out of here. Peace Corps to be exact. I need to run away, not that it is going to solve anything, but I need to do it to save my life. My fear is getting out of the Peace Corps and not wanting to go to vet school anymore. Then what am I going to do? So I had a really good time making puppy chow the other night with a good friend. He made it quite the entertaining time. He's become a 'potential'. This is scary as hell for me because I didn't think this would happen again. What do I do though...I could be out of this country in a year and a half. He could be too though. UGhf...save me please. I am tired, I need a massage. On a happier note: I am almost done with a journal. I read it through the other night and realized how much shit i've been through in one year's time. Garrett and I went to Bagels and Joe after Church yesterday. We talked about how we are all in this together to help each other. He said something that really hit me. He said "i've realized that people come in and out of your life for a purpose, and once they're out of your life, you can't try to hold on to them."

January 2nd- I've realized that this needs to be my motto. Not necessarily keeping people at a distance, but...I don't know. I just need to let go.
So the 'potential' became a...well I don't quite know. We are trying though. New Year's was a blast. It was definitely the funnest party I have been to in a long time. Had a midnight kiss, and partied with Kelso after a long time coming. Life is pretty good right now. I leave for Vegas in 2 days! and turn 21! Eventhough my life is good, there is still my stupid heart. It's telling me things and I don't know what to do. Adam says you should trust your gut always. I don't know what my heart is telling me. I think it's saying that I should run back to Sean though... That wouldn't work though. He's with Jennica and do you know what a fiasco that would be? If we were even to try to get back together there would be jealousy, fights, mistrust...it just wouldn't be us anymore. It takes two to make a relationship work. That said, I am scared as fuck.

In a way, it's ok. Adam's scared too. We work together to make things work. There is freedom, which is nice. There are so many things about this relationship that make me nervous though. 1. Religion. He just started to believe in God this last year.
2. Futures. It's not that I have plans...well I do, but so does he, and they are in different directions.
3. Giddyness. There is a slight giddyness, but it's not the level that I usually expect in a relationship. I don't know if this is because we were friends first, or it's because I am not attracted to him as much. I know I am attracted to him though.
4. Interests. We have a lot in common, but a lot is different though. Luckily they are not huge things, but you know what they say. The little things eventually turn into bigger things.

Am I just being dumb? paranoid? maybe even schizo? Quit. I Quit. I choose life



I'm holding on, but I need to quit. It hurts. This is why I need to get out and experience different things. If I stay the same for a long period of time it doesn't make me stable, it makes me restless. He understands that...

Life is full of surprises. Normally I like surprises, but for a while I want things back to the way they were...minus the ocd and some other things. School is over in 2 weeks which is pretty exciting. I turn 21 in one month from today and I will be in VEGAS!!! One full week of climbing outdoors. Sigh. Just need to get through this next month.

He's moving back, but it's for her. I don't know exactly how I feel about this, except that I think it's risky. Moving with a girl that you've been dating long distance for a month or so? I don't want him to get hurt again. God, I miss him. Especially this time of year. I hate winter and snow and Christmas festivities...he made it better cuz at least I had someone to help me through it.

Well, I should go to lab and then work, and then a long night of studying for a test and quiz and a paper I have to write by tomorrow.