Are you happy? I think I pretend to be happy. I should be happy... I have good friends, a decent family, a great job. But somethings missing. Mom and Dad were in town yesterday. Since I'm on crutches, Mom went to the store with me to get ink for the printer. As we are walking out, she says, "You really like that necklace? You wear it a lot." To which I responded, "Ya, I do." I really wanted to say...
I wear this necklace for comfort. Because it reminds me of a time I was really happy. It gives me confidence when I am doing something I am nervous to do...like date. It's my escape plan. When I feel awkward or tense, I reach to it and remember a time when I loved a man and he loved me back and it didn't take any effort. A time when my heart never ached at night from waking up after having a dream about that man because I could roll over or just open my eyes and he was there. It reminds me of love.
I don't know what to do now. My heart was created by God and He lives inside it, and my heart is telling me that he will come back. Do I listen to it though? My mind tells me not to. Will things work with me and Adam? I think there are doubts within me on the whole religion subject, but I haven't been attracted to another man like this since Sean.
I need help God. One more week and I am in Washington! Let me know out there if you can.
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