Are you happy? I think I pretend to be happy. I should be happy... I have good friends, a decent family, a great job. But somethings missing. Mom and Dad were in town yesterday. Since I'm on crutches, Mom went to the store with me to get ink for the printer. As we are walking out, she says, "You really like that necklace? You wear it a lot." To which I responded, "Ya, I do." I really wanted to say...
I wear this necklace for comfort. Because it reminds me of a time I was really happy. It gives me confidence when I am doing something I am nervous to do...like date. It's my escape plan. When I feel awkward or tense, I reach to it and remember a time when I loved a man and he loved me back and it didn't take any effort. A time when my heart never ached at night from waking up after having a dream about that man because I could roll over or just open my eyes and he was there. It reminds me of love.
I don't know what to do now. My heart was created by God and He lives inside it, and my heart is telling me that he will come back. Do I listen to it though? My mind tells me not to. Will things work with me and Adam? I think there are doubts within me on the whole religion subject, but I haven't been attracted to another man like this since Sean.
I need help God. One more week and I am in Washington! Let me know out there if you can.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
rd
Do you think happiness is in a bottle somewhere?
And our dreams give us clues of where to find it, the only problem was in the beginning cuz in the beginning we were innocent and knew nothing of this bottle. We lived without the search, and then someone mentioned it, a faint whisper like the first mention of the word sex to a hormone-driven teen, we were hooked. We wanted this container of ecstasy, keeper of euphoria. 'But where is it?' we begged, scraping our knees on the pavement from so much groveling. 'Keep searching, keep searching' they said. So we crouch in twisted positions, looking under, over, around, and through until at last we find it! The bottle of happiness that has had our hearts melting. Slowly opening the cap not to let any of it escape without consumption, our hearts race and palms sweat. A life's journey spent to be elated is in this hourglass sculpture of glass. The contents inside begins to escape. Faster. Vapors. Breathing fast to take it in. A small fizzle and it's gone...what now... Does this happen to everyone, or is it just yours? Could you have done anything differently? Maybe the memories that you had before you knew of the bottle were escaping to fill your bottle, and your search time just wasn't long enough to fill it. Did you open the bottle wrong? You don't know, but all you know is that your bottle is empty...you can only hear of other people's happiness bottles, and each tale reminds you of the fizzle. It was everything they had dreamed of. Can you create a new bottle with more dreams? Keep Dreaming...one day you'll find it. That's what they say, right?
And our dreams give us clues of where to find it, the only problem was in the beginning cuz in the beginning we were innocent and knew nothing of this bottle. We lived without the search, and then someone mentioned it, a faint whisper like the first mention of the word sex to a hormone-driven teen, we were hooked. We wanted this container of ecstasy, keeper of euphoria. 'But where is it?' we begged, scraping our knees on the pavement from so much groveling. 'Keep searching, keep searching' they said. So we crouch in twisted positions, looking under, over, around, and through until at last we find it! The bottle of happiness that has had our hearts melting. Slowly opening the cap not to let any of it escape without consumption, our hearts race and palms sweat. A life's journey spent to be elated is in this hourglass sculpture of glass. The contents inside begins to escape. Faster. Vapors. Breathing fast to take it in. A small fizzle and it's gone...what now... Does this happen to everyone, or is it just yours? Could you have done anything differently? Maybe the memories that you had before you knew of the bottle were escaping to fill your bottle, and your search time just wasn't long enough to fill it. Did you open the bottle wrong? You don't know, but all you know is that your bottle is empty...you can only hear of other people's happiness bottles, and each tale reminds you of the fizzle. It was everything they had dreamed of. Can you create a new bottle with more dreams? Keep Dreaming...one day you'll find it. That's what they say, right?
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Poet's dead society
These feelings blur the peace of mind that fits in the puzzle of my heart sits on the tip of my knows it all just blends and makes me have anxiety attacks these feelings. Ewes seem I trouble.
Passion
of Christ
The ache inside
kneeling in the rain
Christianity isn't what we thought.
Passion
of Christ
The ache inside
kneeling in the rain
Christianity isn't what we thought.
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