The true Home

I want to be a strong Christian woman. Am I there? I don't think I am. I have a tough time applying Christianity to my life sometimes. I try to have patience and be virtuous, but I just lose it sometimes. I don't know what it is lately but sometimes I just want to go home. Not home as in my parents' house, home as in heaven. I have this theory that we are all with God in heaven before we are born. All of our memories of heaven are wiped clean once we are hung upside down, screaming. This is why babies cry. They realize that they have to live down here and have a faint remembering of watching from heaven all the turmoil and stress that an earthly life entails. But God didn't wipe the slate completely clean. Those moments in our lives that take our breath away: The mountainous view, the sunsets, the 'I love yous'...those are the little pieces of heaven that God puts on Earth so we remember that one day we will be back with him. So to bring it all back, I want to be in heaven, my original home.

How do I make this happen though...I have a whole life ahead of me. Today, the sub veterinarian at the clinic asked me why I wanted to be a veterinarian, and I couldn't think of a great answer. I mean I know I want to be a veterinarian, but I don't have a specific reason why. Here is what I got:
1. I don't dread going to work.
2. I love animals.
3. I love the human-animal correspondence and the joy people feel from their pets.
4. The medical aspect fascinates me.
5. The only human medical field that interests me would be pediatrics, which is pretty much the human version of an "animal"...
6. ...
Um...ya it's all pretty lame stuff. Besides knowing that I was going to be a vet since I was about 12 years old (which is the cliche answer), I don't have some monumental reason for being one. Until I thought of this---I believe God put me on this earth to be a veterinarian. He gave me the ability to love animals and the skills to still work with people. I am good at school and I enjoy it, so it all kind of lines up. If I had a passion for working in the human field, trust me, I would cuz it pays almost twice as much starting salary. He didn't give me the passion to work with humans though. I can read animals. It's just a gift.

So to make a long blog short...Being a vet is how I am going to serve God and be a good Christian. Now, other parts of my life like relationships and family...I am letting Him take control because I honestly can't control that. But someday I hope it's enough for me to be doing my work for Him.

Tidal

If you are lunar, I am tidal, constantly affected by your distance from me. When you're near, I'm strong. I ebb when you're away. During the day, I cycle for the people and animals that depend on me for life, entertainment, and beauty. At night I await the full moon that exposes me and shows me just how far I am supposed to go on land. My love for you is still there whether you wax or wane, but this new moon has left me confused and churning. I try to flow normally, but it's almost impossible without your rays shimmering on my waters that reflect the map of stars you feel so lost in. How long will this new moon last? I want to see the man in the moon who lulls me to sleep amongst the hurricanes and pollution on this earth. Come back lunar.

Seeing you.

I knew you before you were a tinman, and all I have to say is that I love you. You, not the tinman you are classifying yourself as or the moon in the sky whose so far away. In response to that...The reason it became so hideous is because in trying not to hurt one another and following "protocol" for what's to be done in this situation...we never just followed our hearts. Now, we're paying for it. Our hearts are telling us one thing but we constantly think that we have to treat each other a certain way because we are in this status. It's bullshit is what it is. We loved each other ( I say loved, because I don't know how you feel anymore) and had an amazing relationship where each of us thought that there was no one else in the world that would be greater. But then, it got tough and instead of thinking of ourselves and the repercussions of not being together, we thought of others. And now we're miserable. Don't think that I am so happy...cuz I'm not. Every night I lay in my bed and face the inside because you're supposed to be there. After about 5 min, I turn to the outside and wish and pray that you figure it out someday. You see, I have always wanted to be with you, but when you shut me out of your life, I am going to respect that. Which is why I don't call you. I expect you to make the first move because if I do, I'm afraid you won't respond. So make the first move... Seeing you at the wall yesterday made my heart race. I didn't know what to do, as well as not knowing what to say. Sorry if I came off a little uncordial. I miss you and it's hard